Fights of the sword
by t3h maniac
Summary: A drabble seires containing comedic fights for the possesion of a completed soul Edge/Soul Calibur. And maybe a lightsabre thrown in for giggles. Latest: SC2 rematch! Vader's big debut and Michael Jackson.
1. Raphael vs Nightmare

-1**Battles For The Sword**

**Taking the piss out of all potential Soul Calibur 3 potential fights. No connecting story, just general anarchy in drabbles.**

**Disclaimer: All characters belong to Namco**

**--**

**Round 1: Raphael vs. Nightmare and Tira**

"Offer your soul!" Nightmare said, swinging Soul Edge into a position for easy attacking.

"En Guarde!" Called Raphael.

"Wait, are you sure you're French?"

"Well…"

"I mean this is a battle ground over looking a Romanian castle, so why are you saying things like 'en guarde?'"

"To tell you the truth… I've never been sure of that myself."

"Why not? Surely you can remember your nationality."

"Well… the thing is. They've given me an English accent, a French dress sense and I've been living in Spain for a few years with a fighting style that's been used in every noble family in western Europe." He explained.

"Yeah that can cause some confusion." Nightmare admitted

"So do you mind if I just go check my profile for a few moments. I'll be right back."

A clattering of steel was heard in the background as the distinct thunk noise of someone being booted over a set of railings echoed throughout the halls. Nightmare started kicking his armoured heels, waiting for his opponent to show up.

What he wasn't expecting was a little girl with what can only be described as a giant hula hoop of death in hand emerged.

"Hi daddy!" She shouted, waving her hands in the air, not caring about the blood on her weapon.

"Stop calling me that Tira. Listen to one of the other voices in your head. Preferably one that doesn't embarrass me in public." Nightmare ordered.

"Sorry daddy." She said before bursting out laughing.

"Grr… Now where's that ambiguously European person got to?"

"Umm… beat you to him! Hehe."

"WHAT?!"

"But hey look! Soul Edge shards! See ya." The green psychopath said throwing the glowing metal shards at Nightmare.

"Tira. If you were ever my child. You would have been a human sacrifice by now." Nightmare growled. His demonic arm swinging Soul Edge (phantom) on his back. It wasn't to say a complete failure but that blasted girl had cost him a perfectly useable (if a little corrupted since the storyline events of Soul Calibur 2) soul. And whoever thought that the metal ring was a good idea for a weapon deserved to be shot, it was sending her clothing budget through the roof. Just because he was a possessed piece of armour with a magical sword with no needs for food didn't mean he was made of money for Pete's sake.

That and his castle in Germany got repossessed seeing as he was legally dead.

"Oh well time to go for more souls."

--

"Where am I?" Raphael asked, surprisingly untouched. No one would ever guess that he fell through a chandelier and a fireplace to wind up by some clock tower.

"**WELCOME TO THE STAGE OF DESTINY!**" Boomed a large voice, Raphael recognised it immediately. It had been the one which had plagued his quest to find Soul Edge the first time.

"Oh bloody hell, not this again."

--

**Err… review so this series can continue? Leave the scenario you want next in your review.**


	2. Yung Seong vs Cervantes

**Yung-Seong verses Cervantes**

**By the time of you the reader reading this, there is a high chance of me finishing high school by then. I'm serious my last 2 hours of school is tomorrow and then its on to the final exams before university. Its quite a frightening concept. I'll have to get a _job_.**

**Disclaimer: Yung-Seong belongs to Namco. FF7 belongs to Square-Enix.**

**--**

Yung stood across the half off the deck that was still afloat. It wasn't the best idea to travel by sea to find Soul Edge on reflection. Especially since his ship was sunk by zombie and ghost pirates. It could only have been worse if they were also ninjas on top of that. A pirate/ninja combination? How are you supposed to beat that?

_Okay Yung, you can do this… It doesn't matter if your ship got wrecked by a lot of zombie pirates, nor does it matter that there's a tough guy with Soul Edge shards and two swords with a gun attached to one of them in front of you. Just remember your training days…_

_--_

"_Okay Yung, this is really important part of your training, if you ever find that your ship got wrecked by a lot of zombie pirates, and there's a tough guy with Soul Edge shards and two swords with a gun attached to one of them in front of you, first you have to make sure you dodge the spirally attack which is a blatant rip-off from other fighting games series and then…" Hwang stopped to see Yung-Seong day dreaming on the desk. He walks over and slaps him "Pay attention!"_

"_Sorry Sensei, but do I really need all this? I mean, I'm the best student here."_

"_Listen here you no tier ginger git. I will NOT have someone taking my spot who doesn't pay attention in all my lessons. IS THAT CLEAR?!" Hwang yelled, viscously grabbing the red-heads ear._

"_But… but…"_

"_But what?"_

"_I-I-I've been having these weird dreams and they're taking up all my brain space."_

"_Dreams? What dreams?"_

"_Well, I'm this blonde guy with gravity defying hair, but I'm emo and yet people still love me. And I'm chasing this silver haired guy with a katana and I've got 3 girls with me, one of them has big breasts, but then the bad man with the sword kills one of the other ones and I go crazy and more emo before the stacked girl brings me back to normal. And there's this black guy who swears at me a lot, and when I go to bed it only lasts 15 seconds because there's this music…" Yung tried to explain._

"_No! Damn it Yung-Seong. Stop thinking you were designed by Nomura, he wont exist for another 350 years!" Hwang said, hitting the young student with the back of his hand._

"_But…"_

"_No! You will never be in a ship that sails through the air."_

"_But…"_

"_No! Fan girls will never write erotic fiction about you finding comfort in your arch enemy! You will never _have_ an arch enemy at this rate!"_

"_But…"_

"_Shut up!"_

"_Why do you keep hitting me?"_

"_You let my future wife and subsequent marriage counsellor figure that one out."_

_--_

_Damn wasted childhood._ Yung-Seong thought as he was propelled 15 feet into the air with a gaping wound at his side after suffering what can only be described as a spiral attack similar to one used by bosses in another fighting game series.

--

**How many times did I break the 4th wall there? I lost count. But I do count reviews, so review!**


	3. Prepare to defend yourself

-1**Prepare to Defend yourself!**

**Now we come across the intensely cheap AI that comes with these warnings. So god damn cheap… will Cassandra survive?**

**--**

"And that's the lesson for today!" Cassandra said, defeating the random animated skeleton in the random burning building in Spain.

_Oh, who thought it was a good idea to send someone with zero muscle mass after a trained fighter? Zasalamel maybe a smart, evil-plan type villain but he has a habit of missing certain details. _The skull of Revenant complained while it slowly charred in the fires of maps, charts and the occasional dirty magazine

Suddenly Cassandra felt as though she was being watched.

_I'm still here god(s) damn it! _the skull screamed mentally.

As Cassandra tried to escape the flames she realised that the building itself was a paradox, because despite only running in one direction she had wound up in exactly the same place as where she fought the skeleton. Only this time the was an old women in the place of the bone pile and she was armed with what seemed to be a Morningstar.

"Oh Poo." Cassandra said to herself as she entered into battle. Suffice to say, it wasn't very pretty. Cassandra tried at first to lunge in with her sword but it was quickly parried away. A low kick was blocked and she received a flail to the face for her efforts.

"Owie!" Cassandra said as she spiralled on the floor. "Don't worry Cassandra, you can win this. You can do this." She told herself.

"Mind explaining how exactly you plan to defeat me. You haven't landed a single hit and you're close to death I can see him in the corridor asking me to hurry this up." The Miser said tauntingly.

"Mind explaining how coins come out of you if you're hurt?" Cassandra shot back,

"Say wha-?"

"Booty power go!" Cassandra said, turning around and using… you know… _that_ attack launching the Miser off the platform and into the fire with the omnipresent voice booming 'RING OUT' "Another victory." The Alexandrian smirked.

"I'm still alive! It BURNS!!" Miser shouted.

"No-one likes a sore loser. You lost fair and square."

"Heeeeelppp meeeee!"

"Now where's the guy with the big, evil sword with the eye? I know! It'll be in Germany!" Cassanda told herself, ignoring the wails of the defeated Miser.

_Hey Lady! You gonna clear this up? I don't want to be left with miss wailing wall down there._

"Oh hello little thing. Want to join me?" Cassandra said, noticing the skull shaking on the floor.

_Wait, what? Don't you remember I tried to kill you about an hour ago? _Revenant thought. Lacking the ability to speak since Cassandra shattered it's jaw in their battle.

"Aww… it thinks it can talk. I'll call you… Boner." Cassandra said, giggling like a small girl, carrying the skull under her arm.

_I hate my un-life_

--

**Announcer: Do not forget to review!**

**Me: What the voice said.**


	4. Tira vs Link

-1**Tira V Link**

**Now this is an odd match up. I wasn't actually going to include Link here because he's not in the SC3 cast which was what I was working from but this request sparked an interesting idea.**

**Hmm… **

**Disclaimer: I do not own the cast of Soul Calibur or Link.**

**--**

Link slowly stepped onto the raft on the castle moat. There seemed to be no other way of accessing the German castle, little did he know he was being watched by a different green-clothed individual.

"Oooooh!" Tira said, spotting Link on the raft. "He looks strong. He looks really strong!" Smiling her maniac smile. Picking up the Angeline Drossel she jumped from her little hiding spot and towards the ambush point she had picked for just such an occasion. All she had to do was wait for him to pass under the bridge, drop down onto the raft and boot him off. Possibly drowning him in the process.

She hoped he didn't drown, the sadistic part of her found there was no fun in simply booting someone off a platform to their deaths compared to cutting them into pieces or leaving them a bloody mess.

The fan girl part of her however didn't want him to drown for a completely different reason. She saw a little flick of the head with a few water droplets flying off his perfect blonde hair, and it made her want to go crazy in a "Squee-ing" sort of way.

Needless to say the fan girl in her one out. As instead of dropping down behind Link with ring blade in hand she instead dropped directly on him.

--

Nightmare was approaching his old castle which he had instructed Tira to guard for him, she was annoying at times, it was tempting to rip her jaw out other times but was a very good assassin. He could see why she had been picked off the streets by the birds of prey or whatever it was called. Crazy or not, she knew how to kill someone in multiple ways, most of which involving her weapon.

What he was not expecting on searching the castle was the master bedroom to have a 'Do not disturb' notice on it.

"Tira?" The animated armour asked, "What's going on?"

"Wah! Umm… nothing Nightmare sir. Just don't come in."

"Why not?"

"I'm uh… naked."

"Tira, I'm an animated suit of armour with a demon arm and sword. There is nothing that can disturb me, so what are you doing in there?" He asked again, banging on the door with the possessed arm.

"No! Don't!" Tira pleaded.

"Too late!" Nightmare shouted as he barged down the door to see…

An elf in a dog costume being led around by Tira holding its leash.

Turns out he was wrong about the whole 'I can not be disturbed thing' as he quickly turned around and fled. Trying to remove any images from his mind and just focus on collecting more souls.

--

**Tira: Can I keep it?**

**Me: Now Tira, owning your own hero is a lot of hard work, you have to feed it, exercise it, and let it go save the occasional princess.**

**Tira: Okay! (snuggles Link)**

**Link: Save me!**

**Me: And don't forget to review.**

**(I couldn't for the life of me remember what the castle was called, can someone remind me?)**


	5. Spawn V Hiehachi

**Spawn V Hiehachi**

**Been a long time coming this but I've finally updated for the first time this month. Whoopee!**

**Warning, the following fic may contain errors in regards to the peoples names. Hopefully you'll get which characters are involved.**

**Disclaimer: All characters belong to their owners and my use of them here is covered by the fair use act.**

**--**

The dust settled on the Silk Road ruins, the wind had died down as two fighters approached a small platform by a gate. It was a semi-circle, its once intricate designs now eroded by time, large statues holding jugs nearby gave the impression of pouring sand.

"Surprised you made it here without your hip giving way." One of them, a full body cloak and hood concealing his identity, muttered.

"I've gone through worse, a hike through the mountains is nothing to me." Said another. An old, bald man dressed in a black Gi with the image of a tiger on the back.

"So sure of yourself, are we?" Said the hooded man, lifting it back to reveal a mask, completely out of place with the rest of the world, he reached to take off his cloak only to have it materialise in the form of an axe. "Lets see how your martial arts stand up to my super-powers."

The two charged at each other, both wanting to land the first, and possibly last, blow. The axe clashed against steel gauntlets, sending sparks flying across the impromptu arena.

"Not bad for someone who dresses like its Halloween everyday." Hiehachi said, not buckling at all from the pressure applied onto the armoured forearms.

"I could say something similar to you." Spawn smirked underneath the costume as he took a step back, hoping to have Hiehachi stumble forwards. However this plan was interrupted when he suddenly found a large sword with an eyeball sticking out of his chest. Well that's what his last memory was.

"Hey! No intterupti-urk!" Hiehachi was cut off when a thin blade pierced his throat. He crumpled to the ground, dead.

"Aww… I'm sorry… just kidding! Good riddance." A Chinese girl said cheerfully, taking the time to kick the man's corpse off the platform.

"For once, I agree. Why is it Nintendo are the only ones with decent 3rd party characters involved here?" A possessed suit of Azure armour with a demon arm holding Soul Edge, with Spawn still impaled on it.

"Well, maybe its because they've got such dreamy characters of their own," Xianghua sighed a little and drifted off into a dream world of her own "oh Link. Soon we will be together…"

"Not if Tira still has a hold of that leash…" Nightmare mumbled.

"Did you say anything?"

"No. No I didn't. Anyways, thanks for your help X, but next time we meet **I WILL DESTROY YOU AND HARVEST YOUR SOUL!**" Nightmare said, overly dramatifying the last part of the sentence.

"Your welcome." Xianghua said with a smile plastered on her face, before skipping off to find Soul Calibur and destroy the evil sword for good, until the next game comes out.

"Did she even hear the last part?"

--

**Such a waste of guest slots. Oh well, at least now their open for… Well maybe the Sony one could have… I dunno.**


	6. Ivy V Maxi

**Ivy Verses Maxi**

**This won't end well…**

**Disclaimer: All characters belong to Namco**

**--**

"I'm, too sexy for my shirt, too sexy that it hurts. Too sexy." Maxi hummed to himself down the streets of an Indian port town giving him very weird looks from the merchants. All his information about that Golem which killed his crew mates for no real apparent reason.

Seriously what was up with that? A giant killing machine randomly starts killing your crew mates with no provocation, its like an African man setting fire to a Spanish library and setting a skeleton to kill all survivors so that his work about the cursed sword that powers both the Golem and the Azure knight as well as being very, very creepy with an eye.

A FREAKING EYE! ON A SWORD! Swords do not work that way! They are soulless hunks of metal for Christ sakes. There only as good as the person holding it. Sure some are sharper than others, and some weapons are meant to be blunt but can still crack open a skull if you use them well but what blacksmith in his right mind would ever say "Hmm, I'm bored with metal, how about I make one made of living flesh and dark magic that feeds on souls! It'll be great!"

Whoever it was, he had to be a douche.

But back to India where there appeared to be a large gathering by a stone pier.

"Have you seen an Blonde German around here, and did he have a sword made of evil energy and an eyeball?" A Tall, fairly mature women wearing a gauntlet and what the modern day equivalent would make out of Latex.

"I do not know my lady but perhaps I could interest you in some fine silk to cover those… um… bosoms?" The merchant suggested. _Must be new English fashion._ He reassured himself.

"Why is it that no conversation I have can keep away from the topic of my boobs? Damn Namco, cursing me with these things. If I develop back problems because of this I am definitely killing all of them."

"Hey! Hey you!" Maxi shouted to the barely dressed, platinum blonde

"Not now, I'm trying to gather information about Soul Edge." Ivy dismissed

"Wait a minute, didn't you use to be evil at some point?"

"Didn't you use to be a singer?" She said pointing to the Black Quiff atop the former pirate's head.

"Huh?"

"Never mind. I suppose we better wrap this story segment that will only appear in half a screen of text and just fight for no reason."

"What?"

"Never mind me just breaking the 4th wall a bit."

"Right…" _Crazy chick. With giant rack and Snakeskin undies. _Maxi thought to himself, this wasn't going to be comfortable and may end up being very awkward. "You sure you wanna do this?" He said as one of his pre-determined pre-fight banter.

"Squirm."

"Okay I don't think I'm going to be okay with going through this. I mean, you dress in purple wires, have a dominant attitude, and a sword that is basically a whip. No offence but I'm not into the kinky stuff." Maxi said raising his hands into a T

"WHAT? You assume because of my appearance that I'm some sort of… harlot?!" Ivy shouted, her cheeks darkening.

"I would have said Dominatrix…"

"Grr…" Ivy Valentine growled as the whip-sword…thing lashed out at Maxi. He managed to side-step it with his nun-chuck flailing, he dived in close range only to trip up on the chain part of Ivy's weapon.

His face bounced off the stone as he struggled to get back up into a fighting position _still _twirling the nun-chuck only to have It collide with his head, further stunning him.

By the time Maxi was fully upright he was dangerously close to the edge and still not completely okay. It was a simple matter of the Ivy blade coiling around him taking the out the back of the legs, sending him into the Indian ocean.

"Well that was fairly simple. I should probably catch the next ship to Japan. See if there is any more information about the swords there."

"Damn-crazy woman with unnatural rack!" Maxi spluttered, climbing onto the stage as Ivy Valentine left in search of both swords and Nightmare.

--


	7. Sophitia V Rock

**Sophitia Verses Rock**

**Two of the Soul series originals duke it out. And as this is rated "T" (for now at least) all MILF references to Sophitia are kept to a minimum.**

**But seriously have you SEEN the size of her rack in SCIV? They've made Ivy and Taki as big as possible now it looks like there bolstering the rest of the female cast.**

**Ahem. I don't own Soul Calibur or any of its characters.**

**--**

"Who's next?" Bellowed Rock, tossing the latest competitor out of the arena, a splash in the cove signifying it was time for a new challenger.

"All these warriors and spectators in one place, one of them must know where to find Soul Edge." Sophitia assumed, making her way into the crowd. "Excuse me but… hello if I could have just a… this isn't working. Hey!" The guardian of the ancient Greek god was jostled about between lines leading to the coliseum, not having been here before she didn't know which line went where and decided that it would have to be a case of trial and error.

Unfortunately she ended up in the line for competitors.

"Is there anyone who would dare challenge the wrath of the earth?"

"Oh dear."

"There appears to be some misunderstanding here."

"No misunderstanding, she had a weapon on her and walked in to the arena."

"But what happened to the people who were in front of me."

--

Back in the challengers gates.

"Are we asses?" One of the young men asked.

"For what?" another replied.

"Hanging back so she ended up fighting the champion."

"Of course not, he wont fight her. She'll just go back home to look after the kids or something."

"That's pretty sexist."

"it's the 14th century, that phrase hasn't been invented yet."

--

"I apologize in advance but it seems we are forced to fight."

"Its okay, hasn't been the first time in my life that I've been forced to fight. Its just a relief that this time it isn't some un-dead pirate."

"Excuse me? I find that hard to believe."

"So do I some days…" She grumbled, she was a bakers daughter for heaven's sake, it was not normally in the job description

"The arena isn't the right sort of place for a woman, maybe you could just lie down and play dead? I won't toss you into the water." Rock suggested, trying his best not to offend her.

Sophitia's jaw dropped at the notion that she would back down from this, if the only way out was either as a victor or via the Mediterranean, she was going to earn that victory.

Easily, there's a reason why she's called the tier Goddess.

Charging at the gladiator she ducked only to bring her sword vertically upwards with such force that it launched Rock into the air, a few more strikes kept him airborne for a good few seconds until he came crashing down.

The man finally got a proper grip on his weapon, enough to block the sword slashes yet he still remained a bit reluctant to strike. However when he had overcome that reluctance it was too late.

He keeled over in pain, his voice jumping 7 octaves and on the verge of blacking out. Of all the attacks she could of used, that one was probably the worst.

Who'd have thought such an angel would play so dirty.

--

**Bonus points for guessing what Sophitia did.**


	8. Raphael vs Siegfried

**Siegfried V Raphael**

**Looking through the suggestions this one particularly caught my eye. Because I found the perfect punch line to it.**

**Disclaimer: I do not own any character in the Soul series.**

**--**

"Welcome, let us celebrate your demi- wait. Didn't I already fight you once?" Raphael asked, similar style. A similar voice, only this one didn't have a demon arm or a stomach with teeth.

"You mean in the cathedral all those years ago?"

"No, recently. Then some random girl in green attacked me."

"You mean my sins given form."

"Look, are you going to go emo and slit your wrists with your over-sized sword or are we going to fight?" Raphael asked. The two took fighting stances, waited for an omnipotent voice to boom **"FIGHT" **and began.

The two started off evenly. Raphael having to dodge the swings of Requiem as they would take a lot of effort to block and may even crush his guard. It was safer just to parry the attacks. Siegfried was a lot slower then the demonized noble but had more experience and was able to knock the rapier out of his hand when he tried to stab in between a slit in his armour. Raphael responded by sweeping the leg causing Siegfried to fall over backwards. Dropping what was known among blacksmiths as a Big Effing Sword.

"Damn. You've improved." Siegfried muttered.

"Slaughtering innocents does tend to make a wonderful training routine."

"What?! Die monster!" Siegfried shouted as he tackled the count of the manor. Raphael tried to spin the situation around ending with him on top when Amy entered the room.

"A-Amy (Daddy)?" The girl stuttered at seeing Siegfried and Raphael in a compromising position.

"Amy! This isn't what it looks like, I can assure you!" Raphael tried to tell her but the teenager just ran off out the door "Amy! Well done captain repentance. You've probably made her cry now."

"Me? You're the one who decided instead of surrendering when disarmed it was better to try un-armed combat." Siegfried snapped back.

"You tackled me! I just tripped you up." There bickering session was interrupted by the doors re-opening.

"Amy, Amy. (I didn't say stop)" She said, placing a folding chair a few metres away from the fight and sitting on its edge. Urging them to continue

--

**Its funny because she can only say her name in SC3. Whereas in 4 she overcomes her speaking disorder. Good for the gothic Lolita.**


	9. Tira Vs

**Tira V A Large Proportion Of The Cast**

**There is method to my madness, and this is helped by the fact that all of the characters in SC3 end up at Nightmare's castle to be ambushed by Tira.**

**Let's just say its going to be interesting.**

**Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters**

**--**

"Come on boner, let's check this spooky castle for clues to find the sword and the ghost in a suit of armour."

"_For the last time, my name is not boner and this is not an episode of Scooby Doo!"_

"Well that was easy, I was expecting some ambush, but that would just be silly wouldn't it Boner."

As Cassandra made her way through the corridors searching for the evil presence she found herself lost amongst the bedrooms. There were strange noises throughout the place and she sworn she had heard multiple people walking down stairwells.

After an hour of searching the bedrooms she walked out into the corridor. What happened next was… surprising.

She and Boner were now definitely not the only ones searching Ostrheinsburg for Soul Edge shards as they found themselves sharing a corridor, with a surprisingly large number of women.

One was dressed in a full length Kimono and held an umbrella in her hand. Another was dressed in the outfit of a nun from one of the shrines to the wind in the Ottoman Empire. A third was in a loose fitting vest that didn't cover her…assets at all angles. The fourth women was wearing even less clothes than that and seemed to be made out of an ensemble of snakeskin straps dyed purple. And the final woman in the room apart from Cassandra was also in a Greek dress only was slightly taller and looked more experienced.

And this being a quest for two giant swords they all quickly drew weapons on each other.

"Hi Sis!" Cassandra shouted.

"Oh gods. Cassandra, why are you here?"

"Searching for the evil sword to destroy it so you don't have to." she replied, as perky as ever.

"Wait, you too?" Ivy asked in slight surprise.

"Same here."

"I am on a similar quest." Talim replied.

"Not me, I'm just looking for vengeance against the man who killed my father."

"By using an evil sword with an eye?" Cassandra asked, all the sets of eyes now pointing at Setsuka.

"What? No!"

"Oh. Then why are we fighting?" Cassandra asked, after realising that they all want the same thing, they sheathed their weapons, until they heard an ear shattering "SQUEE!" from down the corridor.

"YOU!" Sophitia shouted at the source of the noise when they had reached it, a large master bedroom or to be more precise, one of its female occupants.

"EEEK! Save me Link! Use your hero powers!" Tira said, hiding behind her captive.

"?"

"Hey, who's the Hunk?" Seong Mina asked, eyeing up Link and licking her lips.

"!"

"I saw him first!" Tira snapped, wrapping her arms around him.

"You tried to kill my man , I get yours in return." Sophitia said, moving towards the hero of Hyrule.

"!!"

"Oh no you don't!" Cassandra said, jumping in front of her sister and making a dive for Tira.

"AAAH! SAVE ME LINK!"

Link casually backed away from the fight that ensued, all the ladies seemed to be vying for his attention, but he had a bargain to fill here. He moved to a normally unnoticeable panel in the wall and knocked on it twice. The panel moved revealing a secret passageway, large enough to crawl through.

So it wouldn't be completely unexpected, knowing this when Yun-Seong emerged from the passage, along with Maxi, Kilik and Raphael.

"Damn. See Link, I told you, act defenceless for a short time and sooner or later you'll have the mother of all catfights." The red-head patted link on the shoulder and took a seat next to him.

"Guys, should we really be exploiting them like this? I mean, one of them could end up seriously hurt. And three of us know at least one of the participants on a personal level"

"Relax Kilik. Lighten up a bit, if it gets too serious, we'll just break it up. Got any beer Raph?"

"Right here." The noble said passing a few mugs down the line.

After the fight had subdued and multiple pieces of clothing were now scattered across the large bedroom along with one very torn pillow and a bunch of feathers Link and the men were no-where to be found, much to the displeasure of Tira who would have gone on another rage, if not for the fact that the Alexandria sisters were sitting on her back.

--

**Okay, I'll promise not to return to this joke, no more Link. This arc of the story is over and shall not be touched upon again. Unless Xianghua or Taki wants a piece of the action.**

**:3**

**Feedback and suggestions are as always, appreciated.**


	10. Vader Vs Astaroth

Vader Vs Astaroth

**Vader Vs Astaroth**

**Vader's big debut! No matter how lame the prequels and George Lucas try to make him seem.**

**FYI George, we know you're pulling this stuff out of your ass now. Don't deny it, you've lost it.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own the characters and discard the above as the ramblings of someone who is too insignificant to be sued.**

**--**

"Hmm, the force is unnaturally strong here." Vader commented, his breathing heavy as it whirred through the filters of his helmet. Ever since arriving on this planet it had been giving off these weird signals. As though there were rouge Jedis here the force seemed to concentrate around certain people, both the light and dark sides. The concentration was too high to be put down to mood. Something was definitely up, and he didn't mean the golem that had just dropped from the ceiling.

"Aha! Now I will reclaim my Soul Edge shards from… wait. Who the hell are you?" Astaroth asked.

"I am the dark lord of the Sith."

"Sith?"

"A religion based on a master and an apprentice in manipulation of the dark side of the force."

"Wait… so you're a cult made of two people? The cult that created me has more members than that." The golem scoffed.

"Numbers are not important. We control the galaxy."

"Then how come I never heard of you?"

"It's a long way away."

"So you rule with what? Breathing problems and black cloaks with non-subsancial looking weaponry?"

"I find your lack of faith disturbing." Vader said, holding out his hand in a choking motion.

"Is…that supposed to do anything?"

"You're supposed to be choking right now."

"Oh… there's where you're going wrong. I don't use this throat, it's just for show. My genetalia however are still connected to thee nervous system."

"…" Vader moved his hand lower and balled it into a fist.

"OH GODS! THE PAIN! WHY DID I TELL YOU THAT?" He screamed in a high pitched voice, falling to the floor in a foetal position.

"The force is strong, yet you are weak. Perhaps the disturbance is caused by something else." He sighed, leaving the Golem to either die in the wasteland or…

"Heh heh, sucker. That didn't hurt me a bit, only my heart works and is vital to me." He suddenly grasped his chest and fell back down.

"Fool."

--

**Astaroth sure is dumb huh? Who's next for the stage of destiny? You decide.**


	11. Apprentice Vs Yoda

Apprentice Vs Yoda

**Apprentice Vs Yoda**

**I promise not to kill him off!**

**Disclaimer: I don't own any of the characters.**

**--**

The Apprentice walked along the desert road, this planet was unlike any he had come across before, all the different environments rolled in one sphere. It wasn't a large planet but it was…intriguing to say the least.

"Knew you would show I did." A voice said, a strong presence was behind him, a large concentration of the force. A master? Possibly.

"I sense the force in you, you are a jedi, no?" He asked, turning around to see a small green creature holding a light sabre.

"Correct, Vader's apprentice you must be." Yoda deduced, there were only 3 people with red light sabres left. This… child must be strong in order to be a holder of one.

"How did you know that? Are you so skilled that you can see into my mind?"

"No, leave a name tag on you he did."

"Damn it Vader…" The apprentice cursed, unaware that his kick in the dirt had caused a stall along the road to collapse by one of the supports snapping.

"The Dark side controls you."

"It doesn't, I control it."

"A strong one you are."

"The strongest there is."

"O RLY?" Shouted a third voice, the two stopped before they could begin to see a giant owl/man/thing standing by the side of the trail.

"What the heck?" Asked the apprentice.

"A giant chicken is that?" Asked Yoda.

"D00D U UBER FAIL!" Ocladan shouted, he took out a small metal cube, held it out for a few moments before it changed into a Halberd. The apprentice charged at him first, his light sabre ready to cut off a few limbs only for the owl do dodge every swipe and bring the staff end up between his legs.

While he was incapacitated by pain, Yoda decided to try his luck. He fared a lot better than the overconfident Sith but this could be because A he actually used his force powers to stay out of range of his sword and B was too short to hit. After a wild swing of the halberd Yoda took the opportunity and jumped up to give a quick slash to the face. Unfortunately the halberd changed into a katana automatically, allowing Ocladan a quick upper slash knocking Yoda down out of the air.

"LOLZ! I AM T3H GREETEST!" He shouted before running off, leaving the Jedi and the Sith humiliated.

"Vader is not going to be happy about this, how am I supposed to explain I got beaten up by a giant chicken?"

--

**So I didn't kill him off. Happy? As for why I made Ocladan talk in 1337 speak, it seemed like a good idea at the time.**


	12. Voldo Vs Talim

**Voldo Vs Talim**

**Is it bad taste to make a Michael Jackson joke here? I mean the poor dude's blind (Voldo that is).**

**Disclaimer: I own nothing.**

**--**

Caring after those stricken by the effects of the cursed sword was not easy. Especially considering that she also had to stop Yeong Sung from running away with said cursed sword. No matter how many times she told him it was evil he wouldn't listen. Even the fact it had an eyeball didn't put him off.

An eyeball, my god.

Still, it was a good thing that he didn't have any clues and so was stuck with her in a village in the Ottoman Empire helping out some of the sick.

Well that was the plan, but there are some things not even Batman himself could plan for.

"Mommy! There's a scary man outside." A child shouted.

"Hmm?" The mother responded as Talim and Yun Seong took a better look.

"Ivy get to another person?" He asked, seeing Voldo in multiple leather straps, one covering his eyes and mouth.

"I sense evil about him."

"So he got into a threesome with Ivy and Raphael? I knew those two were kinky but…damn."

"Would you stop with that? There are children present." Talim scolded, kicking the slightly older swordsman in the shin.

"Would you stop kicking me in the shin?"

"I'll rid the village of this devil, make sure the village is safe."

--

Voldo was not having a good day, so far all he'd done was slice at a couple of Lizard men and none of them had any pieces of Soul edge. Plus he had wondered into a strange village and the smell of fear was all around him. He didn't know why, maybe there was a chunk of Lizard flesh still on him, that must be it. He tried shaking the non-existant chunk off yet the fear only grew.

Maybe his pants were down… then why would they be running scared, usually that constituted being laughed out of a village or booted for 'indecent exposure'.

"Please leave, your presence is not appreciated." A high pitched voice told him. He felt this was rather rude and communicated that, although what used to be fluent Italian had decended into random screeches which was interpreted as a challenge by whoever had told him to leave as he heard the unseathing of blades… two to be precise, slightly small but seemed to affect the wind more than something that aerodynamic. Maybe it was this girl.

Never one to back down from a challenge Voldo drew his claws and started to slice at Talim, luckily she was quick enough to avoid them but whenever she tried a counter attack Voldo just sidestepped it.

After blocking one his drilling attacks she found herself with her back to the edge of a cliff, although the river may provide a soft landing the rocks either side would make the fall as uncomfortable as possible.

Voldo prepared to end it, rolling up into a ball and charging, attempting to knock her off the edge and use the rebound force to keep him on, however this plan required him to make contact, which would have happened if she hadn't done that annoying thing known as moving off to one side so he rolled off the cliff, and made a nice large splash in the river below.

"What's wrong?" Talim asked a small child who had watched the whole thing and looked as though he was upset about something.

"I wanted to get MJ's autograph."

--

**Snuck that joke in at the very last minute.**


End file.
